And it’s March already. It’s freaking March, 1^st quarter of the year is going to pass soon. My patience is wearing thin. If I don’t keep myself busy and accomplish what I’ve set out to do this year, I am going to go even crazier.

So I don’t care I’m just going to gripe and gripe and gripe some more. Get it out of my system. But I know I’ve been helping myself at the same time. Controlling my emotions, “getting it” and just go with the flow just like how he wants me to. My heart has finally let go of things and able to accept them the way they are. The heart can be stubborn at times, trying to hold out to the ones I adore and love when I’m not seeing the same shown towards me. The thing is, it wasn’t really my head that’s forcing my heart to see and change, but the heart itself just realized on its own. And I even borrowed the book, He’s Just Not That Into You to affirm everything that has happen.

Gosh, am I clueless. But I still want to be nice. People have their reasons. I’m not just their type of girl. Simple. So I shouldn’t push it. At least I’ve tried, and gave what I can. I can cry for awhile that it couldn’t last long, but be happy that it was good while it lasted. It was. And I still care about them. In a way nice human beings do. We’re friends after all.

As I’ve told to myself, I can’t be around people who don’t give out happy, positive vibes. I don’t want to ignore them too, but if I ended up having to be happy on my own and not together with them, it’s really tough. I can’t stick around with these people. I haven’t been eating properly, I haven’t been taking care of my skin. So right now, the best ‘revenge’ is to not be affected and get my groove back again. Even if it means having to fork out some money to soothe this crumpled heart. Retail therapy? Hell yeah.

As much as it sucks liking someone whom I like but does not like me as much, I guess I just have to wait yet again for that someone whom I like and like me too. I’m a woman, babe, and not some teenage girl. Deal with it.

We were in this ladies praying hall at the mosque but there were a few guys among us. That’s not allowed. I talked to this guy beside me, and then a lady came. She was his girlfriend. I decided to leave them alone, it’s the best that I can do. Suddenly she threw a fit, and took something out of a cabinet nearby and chased me. She was holding a pair of scissors and got very close to me and wanted to stab my back. Specifically, just above the small of my back. I could really feel the fear of me dying, feeling the pain. But I half-woke in time before she stabbed my back. I found out somewhere that if you have never experienced something in life before, you will not experienced it in a dream…

I dreamt that I had to go up to the last floor of the school to attend Malay lessons.

I dreamt that me and Bi did the ‘half’ rear entry at the pedestrian crossing.

It was just a dream.

Relationship needs effort. It takes two. Love is supposed to grow as time passes by. If you’re feeling it lesser and lesser, and you let it be without doing anything about it, then what’s the point of continuing it?

There has been an increasing need to be by your side at a time like this when you’re struggling with your current job. I’m loving you more now. But if it’s not being reciprocated then it’s pointless don’t you think?

There’s nothing to do with pressure. If you’re comfortable with the relationship you’d put in effort without thinking too much. But if you want it easy, it’s as good as having no strings attached, and I’d probably want to keep my options open. In that case, I don’t see the point of us getting intimate.

I need things to be clear. I can’t read your mind on what you want. What I want is that I be taken seriously.

I had a beautiful start for the new year, where I found love. But the differences between us was too much for me to bear, I had to part ways. I don’t know if it’s a gamble to start over the 2^nd time round, nearing the end of the year just like the last. And to begin the new year with him in my life again. Will it last this time?

In between, where my love life is concerned, I’ve dated 3 guys. Myzee wasn’t consistent, and I understand that he does not want to commit considering the kind of life he’s leading. Either that or he wasn’t really into me. That’s ok, I’ve tried, I even expressed my feelings to him. He came into my life about a week after I parted ways with Bi.

On and off, I kept in touch with Bi, asking how he’s doing. There were times he expressed his intentions of getting back together, and I was steadfast in saying no. I went along on a double date with Saiful and his fiancée and his best friend. While the date was good, it didn’t last. It went downhill after a series of SMS that turned me off.

I decided to try my luck with online dating again. I met someone, but I just couldn’t continue seeing him, or even be friends with him. I just can never get it, how one couldn’t be cool in dealing with dating issues. There’re just so many things amiss with these 2 guys, and while I understand how the first meeting can never be perfect, I have to listen to my heart. It said no, it said can’t.

Where friendship are concerned, it’s been pretty awesome, though could have been better. I have to admit though, nowadays whatever free time I have I spent it with Bi instead of catching up with my friends. I have friends that I have reconnect but have yet to meet them, and a bunch of close ones whom I haven’t been consistently meeting. I’ve strike a bond with Nicholas, bumped into Rosie, met Siti and Shaneza. I’ve found a confidante in Chunhe, and have spilled more personal issues with Rina. Through Facebook we found ex-Malay Xishanites and had 2 meetings with them. In PIL, people went and came, and some friendships were developed along the way.

I’ve started my Specialist Diploma in E-Commerce somewhere in September. Apart from acquiring knowledge, getting a certificate and taking advantage of the subsidy, it’s also some kind of boost to my inner being. You have something to work towards, you have a proper mindset to do whatever it takes to excel. It keeps me busy; it gives me a purpose to lead life with personal ambitions, and not because of someone else’s expectations.

The year has indeed passed by. The only thing I can do is not to regret what I did or didn’t do and look forward to the new year for a second chance to improve. In fact, I’ve started a little earlier, that is, on my birthday.

Dream
Bi had to close the shop that he is working at for the day. I helped him to speed things up. We went home after that, reaching at the side of the road. Suddenly a car came to where we were standing and he got it, leaving me behind. He didn’t even say good bye, let alone asked me to get in with him. I was disappointed.

Myzee suddenly arrived to my side in a cab. I got it. He started making out with me and I actually let him.

Reality
Bi has yet to disappoint me. Unless I want to consider him not giving me any presents on my birthday as a disappointment. If he thinks birthdays aren’t important, then I’ll just do the same.

Myzee suddenly called and said he wanted to pass me something. He drove to my place to give me my present. He bought scarves from Bangkok for me. I guessed. Well at least he was very thoughtful. And sweet. He asked what to do on our next date. And asked me to go Malacca with him. He has no idea because I didn’t tell him about me and Bi.

Why only now Myzee? Whatever it is, you didn’t call or talk to me for about a few months, so I’ve lead my life and moved on. It’s just that I don’t want to close my heart to him.

I do feel like meeting him again. Or should I wait for him to ask me? Since I’m seeing Bi, I don’t want to complicate matters. But then, aren’t me and Myzee just friends? I can’t hold on to the things he said to me, he may not mean anything. He may not have any intentions. So why would there be complications? I’m still loyal to Bi.

I can only hope for the best.

 I know that deep inside you care about me. I know you tried to find ways to see me. But knowing you, you won’t admit. But it’s ok. I can be nonchalant about everything, as long as I do my part as a friend.

 We started off as virtual friends. And the conversation we have were ‘colourful’. One moment we were bantering, the next moment we quarreled. Yes I did feel disappointed that after you broke up with her, you didn’t turn to me, but to your parent’s choice. How ironic that our first meeting was a double date. Too bad your friend is unlike you. And you understood me.

The feelings have since died. We’re better off as friends, and we will be cool friends. But I wouldn’t throw away the chance of being with you one day. If we are meant to be.

 But for now, let me help you with your wedding preparations…

I do not want to be as ugly as you anymore. I realized that, I want to change, not because of you or for you, but because I don’t want to be like you.

Dear God, forgive me and help me please.

-         Be more gracious. Or graceful? Or cool? In facing criticisms, comments, words that hurt. I want to, I must! Just brush them off. Get over them as soon as possible. I think I’ve managed to today.

-         Look better. I must have the habit to wear make up everyday. Get those affordable and good make-up sets. And those types that is very convenient to use and wear. Like Clinique’s Quick Blush and Quickliner. Better isn’t it? The ones I have are time-consuming. And the eye colours I have now are those single colour instead of palette.

-         And take better care of my skin. I’m getting a wee bit obsessed about wanting to look few years younger than my age. I mean I’ve already gotten comments, and I don’t want to stop hearing them. Vain? Narcissistic? No, just wanting to take care of my face. Scrubs, once a week mask. Cloth mask are so easy, so invest in it. Get those affordable facial wash and scrubs but invest in serum and eye treatment. There’re so many innovations nowadays that so easy to use, and have multi purpose functions. Stick to them, be consistent and you may see results. Why one didn’t see any is because one does not have the patience to see it over time. Products are marketed to entice people of the fast results, but your skin may take some time to see the effect. So be patient!

-         Focus on my studies. And set up my cake website as soon as possible. QUICK! I’m so excited about this sideline. It’s been overdue for years. But hey, it’s ok to start late. It’s not that late anyway. Our time have yet to come that’s all.

-         Cut down on snacks. Drink those soluble vitamin c tablets. It can help to be and feel more alert. Actually I did just now but I ended up sleepy. Sheesh!

I just want to put all these into actions. No point talking, or setting resolutions or goals, though it is important. I guess I just did. My list above is evidence of it.

Everything begins with me. Only I can change myself. There have been some external factors like having my guy in my life. But still it’s for me and no one else. I want to look good and feel good, so that if he and anyone else try to spoil my year and beyond, I won’t feel so affected.

That’s the thing, sometimes, you can’t go through all by yourself. When you have someone in your life, you’re motivated to change. If it’s not him in the end, then I’m already there for someone else. Physically, characteristically or even financially, at least I’m prepared.

I miss him. I’m a little mad at him. Of course, he matters to me. It’s always the case, that the ones you love the most are also capable to hurt you the most because you have expectations from them. You have feelings for them. When a normal friend doesn’t do something to you, you feel fine because there’s nothing between you and that friend. But towards someone you love, you do feel even the slightest upset when he commits the same ‘crime’.

Oh. He messaged me asking me out. Feeling all tingly inside…

The other 2 of my girlfriends are getting married around mid next year. Shit, I felt like tearing now. My cousin, who isn’t even the eldest in the family, is getting married first. Come on, who am I kidding if I tell you that I’m not bothered? I have to psyche myself to be positive about this.

I just have to look out for myself. I love him, I want to commit, but I won’t if I don’t see him putting any efforts. Enough is enough. I will hold on to everything that he had said and it’s time to see if he can put them to actions.

I also don’t want to just talk. I myself need to show and act. I’m getting a little obsessed over my appearance. Just want to maintain myself properly. And have a little more guts. If I fall, I won’t fall down hard. I don’t want to be so vulnerable. I need to love myself. Anyone who makes me unhappy, I am going to stay away from them. I can forgive and forget their flaws, but I can also leave them if I have to. Nobody wants to be around people who keep upsetting you. When you strive for happiness, you are better off without things or people who upsets you.