Happy International Women’s Day

3 03 2010

I know I haven’t been writing much. It will always be the same gripe over and over. I visited my blog to see if I’ve been doing my 2010 to do list. I managed to stick to some, some events were already past, some I’ve yet to do. Some I missed the deadline.

And it’s March already. It’s freaking March, 1st quarter of the year is going to pass soon. My patience is wearing thin. If I don’t keep myself busy and accomplish what I’ve set out to do this year, I am going to go even crazier.

So I don’t care I’m just going to gripe and gripe and gripe some more. Get it out of my system. But I know I’ve been helping myself at the same time. Controlling my emotions, “getting it” and just go with the flow just like how he wants me to. My heart has finally let go of things and able to accept them the way they are. The heart can be stubborn at times, trying to hold out to the ones I adore and love when I’m not seeing the same shown towards me. The thing is, it wasn’t really my head that’s forcing my heart to see and change, but the heart itself just realized on its own. And I even borrowed the book, He’s Just Not That Into You to affirm everything that has happen.

Gosh, am I clueless. But I still want to be nice. People have their reasons. I’m not just their type of girl. Simple. So I shouldn’t push it. At least I’ve tried, and gave what I can. I can cry for awhile that it couldn’t last long, but be happy that it was good while it lasted. It was. And I still care about them. In a way nice human beings do. We’re friends after all.

As I’ve told to myself, I can’t be around people who don’t give out happy, positive vibes. I don’t want to ignore them too, but if I ended up having to be happy on my own and not together with them, it’s really tough. I can’t stick around with these people. I haven’t been eating properly, I haven’t been taking care of my skin. So right now, the best ‘revenge’ is to not be affected and get my groove back again. Even if it means having to fork out some money to soothe this crumpled heart. Retail therapy? Hell yeah.

As much as it sucks liking someone whom I like but does not like me as much, I guess I just have to wait yet again for that someone whom I like and like me too. I’m a woman, babe, and not some teenage girl. Deal with it.


Mish Mash of Dreams

24 01 2010

I’m trying to recall……..

We were in this ladies praying hall at the mosque but there were a few guys among us. That’s not allowed. I talked to this guy beside me, and then a lady came. She was his girlfriend. I decided to leave them alone, it’s the best that I can do. Suddenly she threw a fit, and took something out of a cabinet nearby and chased me. She was holding a pair of scissors and got very close to me and wanted to stab my back. Specifically, just above the small of my back. I could really feel the fear of me dying, feeling the pain. But I half-woke in time before she stabbed my back. I found out somewhere that if you have never experienced something in life before, you will not experienced it in a dream…

I dreamt that I had to go up to the last floor of the school to attend Malay lessons.

I dreamt that me and Bi did the ‘half’ rear entry at the pedestrian crossing.

So nice, sweet and sexy

14 01 2010

I was out with this guy. We’ve been hanging out frequently; in fact, we are in a relationship, though it wasn’t so serious. He was accompanying me while I waited till it was time to get into my cookie bouquet class. I was lugging my bag that was filled with materials to bring for the class. We were out and about, went into this Middle Eastern café for lunch when I realized my bag was missing. I told him it could be at the place where we left before we came here to eat and he ran all the way to look for it. Unfortunately it wasn’t there anymore, but I was so touched that he ran there to get it. I kissed him and we started making out in public, with him carrying me. I was so happy, laughing and asked him to stop and we were so in love. Only then I studied how he looked like, how good looking he is, how boyish he looked. He looked like that new actor from the TV show Together. He is younger than me, but cares for me endlessly. We have common friends, so I trust him

It was just a dream.


10 01 2010

When you said that there’s something missing in our relationship, I can’t just simply do nothing and let it be. I know I could have done better so I’m trying to revive it by putting in more effort. If I still didn’t meet your expectations, then I guess I’m not your type.

Relationship needs effort. It takes two. Love is supposed to grow as time passes by. If you’re feeling it lesser and lesser, and you let it be without doing anything about it, then what’s the point of continuing it?

There has been an increasing need to be by your side at a time like this when you’re struggling with your current job. I’m loving you more now. But if it’s not being reciprocated then it’s pointless don’t you think?

There’s nothing to do with pressure. If you’re comfortable with the relationship you’d put in effort without thinking too much. But if you want it easy, it’s as good as having no strings attached, and I’d probably want to keep my options open. In that case, I don’t see the point of us getting intimate.

I need things to be clear. I can’t read your mind on what you want. What I want is that I be taken seriously.

Reflections – 2009

30 12 2009

How has the year 2009 been? It just whizzed past. Like the years before. There have been some notable anecdotes throughout the year, but I’m not ashamed to admit that there hasn’t been much growth. It was a bit stagnant, but I think it wasn’t all that bad. I guess it wasn’t so noticeable, but I think it’s more like a beginning of things to come in the new year.

I had a beautiful start for the new year, where I found love. But the differences between us was too much for me to bear, I had to part ways. I don’t know if it’s a gamble to start over the 2nd time round, nearing the end of the year just like the last. And to begin the new year with him in my life again. Will it last this time?

In between, where my love life is concerned, I’ve dated 3 guys. Myzee wasn’t consistent, and I understand that he does not want to commit considering the kind of life he’s leading. Either that or he wasn’t really into me. That’s ok, I’ve tried, I even expressed my feelings to him. He came into my life about a week after I parted ways with Bi.

On and off, I kept in touch with Bi, asking how he’s doing. There were times he expressed his intentions of getting back together, and I was steadfast in saying no. I went along on a double date with Saiful and his fiancée and his best friend. While the date was good, it didn’t last. It went downhill after a series of SMS that turned me off.

I decided to try my luck with online dating again. I met someone, but I just couldn’t continue seeing him, or even be friends with him. I just can never get it, how one couldn’t be cool in dealing with dating issues. There’re just so many things amiss with these 2 guys, and while I understand how the first meeting can never be perfect, I have to listen to my heart. It said no, it said can’t.

Where friendship are concerned, it’s been pretty awesome, though could have been better. I have to admit though, nowadays whatever free time I have I spent it with Bi instead of catching up with my friends. I have friends that I have reconnect but have yet to meet them, and a bunch of close ones whom I haven’t been consistently meeting. I’ve strike a bond with Nicholas, bumped into Rosie, met Siti and Shaneza. I’ve found a confidante in Chunhe, and have spilled more personal issues with Rina. Through Facebook we found ex-Malay Xishanites and had 2 meetings with them. In PIL, people went and came, and some friendships were developed along the way.

I’ve started my Specialist Diploma in E-Commerce somewhere in September. Apart from acquiring knowledge, getting a certificate and taking advantage of the subsidy, it’s also some kind of boost to my inner being. You have something to work towards, you have a proper mindset to do whatever it takes to excel. It keeps me busy; it gives me a purpose to lead life with personal ambitions, and not because of someone else’s expectations.

The year has indeed passed by. The only thing I can do is not to regret what I did or didn’t do and look forward to the new year for a second chance to improve. In fact, I’ve started a little earlier, that is, on my birthday.

Reality mirrored my dream.

29 12 2009

Sort of.

Bi had to close the shop that he is working at for the day. I helped him to speed things up. We went home after that, reaching at the side of the road. Suddenly a car came to where we were standing and he got it, leaving me behind. He didn’t even say good bye, let alone asked me to get in with him. I was disappointed.

Myzee suddenly arrived to my side in a cab. I got it. He started making out with me and I actually let him.

Bi has yet to disappoint me. Unless I want to consider him not giving me any presents on my birthday as a disappointment. If he thinks birthdays aren’t important, then I’ll just do the same.

Myzee suddenly called and said he wanted to pass me something. He drove to my place to give me my present. He bought scarves from Bangkok for me. I guessed. Well at least he was very thoughtful. And sweet. He asked what to do on our next date. And asked me to go Malacca with him. He has no idea because I didn’t tell him about me and Bi.

Why only now Myzee? Whatever it is, you didn’t call or talk to me for about a few months, so I’ve lead my life and moved on. It’s just that I don’t want to close my heart to him.

I do feel like meeting him again. Or should I wait for him to ask me? Since I’m seeing Bi, I don’t want to complicate matters. But then, aren’t me and Myzee just friends? I can’t hold on to the things he said to me, he may not mean anything. He may not have any intentions. So why would there be complications? I’m still loyal to Bi.

I can only hope for the best.

How it came to this

22 12 2009

I know I can’t have you, but to be able to talk to you and work with you is good enough. Who would have thought that you have the faith and confidence in me to help you on your wedding?

 I know that deep inside you care about me. I know you tried to find ways to see me. But knowing you, you won’t admit. But it’s ok. I can be nonchalant about everything, as long as I do my part as a friend.

 We started off as virtual friends. And the conversation we have were ‘colourful’. One moment we were bantering, the next moment we quarreled. Yes I did feel disappointed that after you broke up with her, you didn’t turn to me, but to your parent’s choice. How ironic that our first meeting was a double date. Too bad your friend is unlike you. And you understood me.

The feelings have since died. We’re better off as friends, and we will be cool friends. But I wouldn’t throw away the chance of being with you one day. If we are meant to be.

 But for now, let me help you with your wedding preparations…