28 11 2009

Yes it’s my fault. But things just aren’t the same anymore…

I just can’t take it anymore, at my age, I’m still being picked on the smallest things. I admit the smallest things are the most annoying, but there’s just no need to harp on it over and over, the worst being criticize over my past deeds, hurtful comments on issues like my single life and my studies.

We did talk about our issues the other time and we’ve made up and tried to make improvements. But it didn’t last long. We quarreled over money. And from then on I realised the kind of person she is, that I can’t bring her to discuss over matters. It’s the last straw.

It’s her nature that she can talk very well. She always has things to say, so that she feels satisfied that my feelings are hurt. She will bring up my past and pass comments about them. The worst would be saying things that are not true, making assumptions and making me look like I’m the worst daughter one could have. Am I really that horrible? Are all my deeds as a child to this family useless? I couldn’t even bring them up because it will only show that I’m too proud and arrogant. She even said what I did are nothing, the other sisters can do them. Is it really? You don’t rely on me anymore?

I know my deeds will never be enough. But are you going to make me pay at the expense of not allowing me to have my own life? I wanted to be independant, but she feels that I’m too arrogant to care about people around me. You feel that I’m being childish, but you yourself treated me like a kid.

Just because you do more deeds of faith means that you’re better than us. You’ll say things like we don’t follow what was being taught. And you will say, don’t say others, look at yourself. Then what about you? Do you question the same thing to yourself? Just because you’ve aged and you’re more sensitive now makes you an exception to be temperamental? That was not what was being taught.

Just because you take care of the house means you’ve fulfilled you duties as a mother. But you were never a friend to us. You are too tired to talk to us, and everytime I talk you will cut my speech. At my age, I have develop my own principles, my own views but you never care and feels that I should be like you. You just couldn’t accept me for who I am, and if you as a mother, treated me as such, I feel disheartened thinking nobody else could too. Just how else do you want me to change, when I’m trying my best but you still couldn’t see?

I’m tired of these life, and I really want to get out of here as soon as possible…




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