I do not want to be as ugly as you

15 12 2009

Seriously, it is going to be one never ending battle. You will never stop bringing up ugly things about me. You will never ever be satisfied. Never. You will never ever think about my good points. I can only brush your comments aside. I will not let you torture me emotionally anymore. You can say whatever you want to say, because it will show the kind of person you are. I will never ever going to be like you. The kind who does not want to give in. The kind who always want to have the last say in an argument. The kind who doesn’t practice what you preach. Who also does not follow what is being taught.

I do not want to be as ugly as you anymore. I realized that, I want to change, not because of you or for you, but because I don’t want to be like you.

Dear God, forgive me and help me please.


3 days older

14 12 2009

Yes. The only way to be a better person is to have a positive attitude. But I do feel a little “attitude” but not entirely positive! Probably just want to be a little stronger, and not let anyone or anything spoil my 29th year of my life. I just hope I can be consistent. That’s always a challenge. Starting something is always easy, but maintaining it? I really, really, really have to be determined enough to have such disposition.

–         Be more gracious. Or graceful? Or cool? In facing criticisms, comments, words that hurt. I want to, I must! Just brush them off. Get over them as soon as possible. I think I’ve managed to today.

–         Look better. I must have the habit to wear make up everyday. Get those affordable and good make-up sets. And those types that is very convenient to use and wear. Like Clinique’s Quick Blush and Quickliner. Better isn’t it? The ones I have are time-consuming. And the eye colours I have now are those single colour instead of palette.

–         And take better care of my skin. I’m getting a wee bit obsessed about wanting to look few years younger than my age. I mean I’ve already gotten comments, and I don’t want to stop hearing them. Vain? Narcissistic? No, just wanting to take care of my face. Scrubs, once a week mask. Cloth mask are so easy, so invest in it. Get those affordable facial wash and scrubs but invest in serum and eye treatment. There’re so many innovations nowadays that so easy to use, and have multi purpose functions. Stick to them, be consistent and you may see results. Why one didn’t see any is because one does not have the patience to see it over time. Products are marketed to entice people of the fast results, but your skin may take some time to see the effect. So be patient!

–         Focus on my studies. And set up my cake website as soon as possible. QUICK! I’m so excited about this sideline. It’s been overdue for years. But hey, it’s ok to start late. It’s not that late anyway. Our time have yet to come that’s all.

–         Cut down on snacks. Drink those soluble vitamin c tablets. It can help to be and feel more alert. Actually I did just now but I ended up sleepy. Sheesh!

I just want to put all these into actions. No point talking, or setting resolutions or goals, though it is important. I guess I just did. My list above is evidence of it.

Everything begins with me. Only I can change myself. There have been some external factors like having my guy in my life. But still it’s for me and no one else. I want to look good and feel good, so that if he and anyone else try to spoil my year and beyond, I won’t feel so affected.

That’s the thing, sometimes, you can’t go through all by yourself. When you have someone in your life, you’re motivated to change. If it’s not him in the end, then I’m already there for someone else. Physically, characteristically or even financially, at least I’m prepared.

I miss him. I’m a little mad at him. Of course, he matters to me. It’s always the case, that the ones you love the most are also capable to hurt you the most because you have expectations from them. You have feelings for them. When a normal friend doesn’t do something to you, you feel fine because there’s nothing between you and that friend. But towards someone you love, you do feel even the slightest upset when he commits the same ‘crime’.

Oh. He messaged me asking me out. Feeling all tingly inside…

Ramblings again. Sleepy actually.

11 12 2009

I never thought I’d get someone younger than me. Let alone someone like him. I used to think having someone younger than me by a few months in the same year was weird, and now, I don’t mind at all. It’s just a preference. Even if he’s older, he ought to be at most 2 years older. Of course, love can work the most mysterious ways. I still don’t know who I’d ended up with.

The other 2 of my girlfriends are getting married around mid next year. Shit, I felt like tearing now. My cousin, who isn’t even the eldest in the family, is getting married first. Come on, who am I kidding if I tell you that I’m not bothered? I have to psyche myself to be positive about this.

I just have to look out for myself. I love him, I want to commit, but I won’t if I don’t see him putting any efforts. Enough is enough. I will hold on to everything that he had said and it’s time to see if he can put them to actions.

I also don’t want to just talk. I myself need to show and act. I’m getting a little obsessed over my appearance. Just want to maintain myself properly. And have a little more guts. If I fall, I won’t fall down hard. I don’t want to be so vulnerable. I need to love myself. Anyone who makes me unhappy, I am going to stay away from them. I can forgive and forget their flaws, but I can also leave them if I have to. Nobody wants to be around people who keep upsetting you. When you strive for happiness, you are better off without things or people who upsets you.

More on a day like today

11 12 2009

I had lunch with Grace and Edwin just now. It was fun. Edwin never fails to crack us up. So many friends wished me on Facebook. I feel touched. No sms from him though. Of course he wished me yesterday, but I’m sure he can do better. Shrugs.

2 days ago I had lunch with my girlfriends. The gang of 4 of us. Linni, Rina, Ros and me. We had lunch at Fish and Co Bugis, but because Linni had to leave for an interview, we only had a 2 hours lunch. Then Ros also left to meet Am. Left me and Rina where we spent some quality girlfriend time confiding in each other. It was good. Oh and I got an Esprit bag from them. It’s purple!

2nd time round, it’s so much better

11 12 2009

Though he does show his attitude some times. But I reckon it’s a guy’s thing. I appreciate a lot that he doesn’t fake it. He doesn’t try too hard. He’s surprisingly earnest, he doesn’t cover up. Though I hope I can spot it if he does.

I love his teases. He doesn’t go overboard with them. Only the part in the movie where he repeated what Edward Cullen said. He was probably joking but it’s a stupid joke. Other than that he cracks me up with those teases.

There were moments where we’d be silent. But there were moments where we can talk about everything too. We talked about more generic stuff, about life now compared to our past. That’s how we started this time round.

The thing about going back together again is that we’re still seeing the flaws that we saw the last time. Whether we can tolerate each other this time, I’m not sure. At the same time, I’ve fallen for the who he is now and not because of our past. And some things we can deal a lot better. I know I can, and I really hope so.

There are habits that I’ve seen before that I can get used to. Because there are some things new about him that I’ve discovered that I can appreciate. While I’m making efforts into this relationship, giving more and expecting less, it’s within my beliefs and principles. And I’ll be observing him. If things don’t work out, we both have to let go of each other. And I agree with him, there won’t be a third time.

Yes, I think of him all the time

11 12 2009

Or it’s just the beginning. I mean ya, it’s all sweet at the beginning. Whether we can survive anything and everything it’s a different thing altogether.

There is a need to speed things up. But it’s also better to just let things be on its own. Let go, let God. So I’m hoping for things to happen naturally but within a short time. For the both of us to see what we both want to see. Both of us are not assured yet if we’re the one for each other. Sometimes I can feel a distance between us, at times, the friendship we have pulled us back in. It’s the foundation of our relationship that keeps us for going. For now though.

Hope it’ll last. Together forever.

Touched by her words, Amused by her gift

11 12 2009

My sup gave me the company’s birthday token – 10 bucks, well it covered my $9.10 lunch yesterday. Yippee!

Then I started reading the birthday cards my mom and sisters gave me.

My mom’s wishes were normal. Couple of years ago she wrote in length and they were very touching. They made me cry. But I guessed those words didn’t have much impact on me as the days went by, so the messages got a little shorter every year. This is as much as I could admit. Yes, I can be horrible actually.

But it’s now or never. It’s all about having the right attitude in whatever situations I have to face, even if it involves my mom. I just have to work things out to prevent her from saying things about me. All I need is to be a little more gracious. And grateful.

My youngest sister gave me a book about poo. Truly original! But I do feel like puking. But that’s her. Very witty and whimsical. My second sister penned some words of encouragement. They made my eyes tear. It really hit spot on. We both know how things were so we do understand, but on my part, I don’t want to make any excuses too.