Reflections – 2009

How has the year 2009 been? It just whizzed past. Like the years before. There have been some notable anecdotes throughout the year, but I’m not ashamed to admit that there hasn’t been much growth. It was a bit stagnant, but I think it wasn’t all that bad. I guess it wasn’t so noticeable, but I think it’s more like a beginning of things to come in the new year.

I had a beautiful start for the new year, where I found love. But the differences between us was too much for me to bear, I had to part ways. I don’t know if it’s a gamble to start over the 2^nd time round, nearing the end of the year just like the last. And to begin the new year with him in my life again. Will it last this time?

In between, where my love life is concerned, I’ve dated 3 guys. Myzee wasn’t consistent, and I understand that he does not want to commit considering the kind of life he’s leading. Either that or he wasn’t really into me. That’s ok, I’ve tried, I even expressed my feelings to him. He came into my life about a week after I parted ways with Bi.

On and off, I kept in touch with Bi, asking how he’s doing. There were times he expressed his intentions of getting back together, and I was steadfast in saying no. I went along on a double date with Saiful and his fiancée and his best friend. While the date was good, it didn’t last. It went downhill after a series of SMS that turned me off.

I decided to try my luck with online dating again. I met someone, but I just couldn’t continue seeing him, or even be friends with him. I just can never get it, how one couldn’t be cool in dealing with dating issues. There’re just so many things amiss with these 2 guys, and while I understand how the first meeting can never be perfect, I have to listen to my heart. It said no, it said can’t.

Where friendship are concerned, it’s been pretty awesome, though could have been better. I have to admit though, nowadays whatever free time I have I spent it with Bi instead of catching up with my friends. I have friends that I have reconnect but have yet to meet them, and a bunch of close ones whom I haven’t been consistently meeting. I’ve strike a bond with Nicholas, bumped into Rosie, met Siti and Shaneza. I’ve found a confidante in Chunhe, and have spilled more personal issues with Rina. Through Facebook we found ex-Malay Xishanites and had 2 meetings with them. In PIL, people went and came, and some friendships were developed along the way.

I’ve started my Specialist Diploma in E-Commerce somewhere in September. Apart from acquiring knowledge, getting a certificate and taking advantage of the subsidy, it’s also some kind of boost to my inner being. You have something to work towards, you have a proper mindset to do whatever it takes to excel. It keeps me busy; it gives me a purpose to lead life with personal ambitions, and not because of someone else’s expectations.

The year has indeed passed by. The only thing I can do is not to regret what I did or didn’t do and look forward to the new year for a second chance to improve. In fact, I’ve started a little earlier, that is, on my birthday.

Reality mirrored my dream.

Sort of.

Dream
Bi had to close the shop that he is working at for the day. I helped him to speed things up. We went home after that, reaching at the side of the road. Suddenly a car came to where we were standing and he got it, leaving me behind. He didn’t even say good bye, let alone asked me to get in with him. I was disappointed.

Myzee suddenly arrived to my side in a cab. I got it. He started making out with me and I actually let him.

Reality
Bi has yet to disappoint me. Unless I want to consider him not giving me any presents on my birthday as a disappointment. If he thinks birthdays aren’t important, then I’ll just do the same.

Myzee suddenly called and said he wanted to pass me something. He drove to my place to give me my present. He bought scarves from Bangkok for me. I guessed. Well at least he was very thoughtful. And sweet. He asked what to do on our next date. And asked me to go Malacca with him. He has no idea because I didn’t tell him about me and Bi.

Why only now Myzee? Whatever it is, you didn’t call or talk to me for about a few months, so I’ve lead my life and moved on. It’s just that I don’t want to close my heart to him.

I do feel like meeting him again. Or should I wait for him to ask me? Since I’m seeing Bi, I don’t want to complicate matters. But then, aren’t me and Myzee just friends? I can’t hold on to the things he said to me, he may not mean anything. He may not have any intentions. So why would there be complications? I’m still loyal to Bi.

I can only hope for the best.

How it came to this

I know I can’t have you, but to be able to talk to you and work with you is good enough. Who would have thought that you have the faith and confidence in me to help you on your wedding?

 I know that deep inside you care about me. I know you tried to find ways to see me. But knowing you, you won’t admit. But it’s ok. I can be nonchalant about everything, as long as I do my part as a friend.

 We started off as virtual friends. And the conversation we have were ‘colourful’. One moment we were bantering, the next moment we quarreled. Yes I did feel disappointed that after you broke up with her, you didn’t turn to me, but to your parent’s choice. How ironic that our first meeting was a double date. Too bad your friend is unlike you. And you understood me.

The feelings have since died. We’re better off as friends, and we will be cool friends. But I wouldn’t throw away the chance of being with you one day. If we are meant to be.

 But for now, let me help you with your wedding preparations…

I do not want to be as ugly as you

Seriously, it is going to be one never ending battle. You will never stop bringing up ugly things about me. You will never ever be satisfied. Never. You will never ever think about my good points. I can only brush your comments aside. I will not let you torture me emotionally anymore. You can say whatever you want to say, because it will show the kind of person you are. I will never ever going to be like you. The kind who does not want to give in. The kind who always want to have the last say in an argument. The kind who doesn’t practice what you preach. Who also does not follow what is being taught.

I do not want to be as ugly as you anymore. I realized that, I want to change, not because of you or for you, but because I don’t want to be like you.

Dear God, forgive me and help me please.

3 days older

Yes. The only way to be a better person is to have a positive attitude. But I do feel a little “attitude” but not entirely positive! Probably just want to be a little stronger, and not let anyone or anything spoil my 29^th year of my life. I just hope I can be consistent. That’s always a challenge. Starting something is always easy, but maintaining it? I really, really, really have to be determined enough to have such disposition.

–         Be more gracious. Or graceful? Or cool? In facing criticisms, comments, words that hurt. I want to, I must! Just brush them off. Get over them as soon as possible. I think I’ve managed to today.

–         Look better. I must have the habit to wear make up everyday. Get those affordable and good make-up sets. And those types that is very convenient to use and wear. Like Clinique’s Quick Blush and Quickliner. Better isn’t it? The ones I have are time-consuming. And the eye colours I have now are those single colour instead of palette.

–         And take better care of my skin. I’m getting a wee bit obsessed about wanting to look few years younger than my age. I mean I’ve already gotten comments, and I don’t want to stop hearing them. Vain? Narcissistic? No, just wanting to take care of my face. Scrubs, once a week mask. Cloth mask are so easy, so invest in it. Get those affordable facial wash and scrubs but invest in serum and eye treatment. There’re so many innovations nowadays that so easy to use, and have multi purpose functions. Stick to them, be consistent and you may see results. Why one didn’t see any is because one does not have the patience to see it over time. Products are marketed to entice people of the fast results, but your skin may take some time to see the effect. So be patient!

–         Focus on my studies. And set up my cake website as soon as possible. QUICK! I’m so excited about this sideline. It’s been overdue for years. But hey, it’s ok to start late. It’s not that late anyway. Our time have yet to come that’s all.

–         Cut down on snacks. Drink those soluble vitamin c tablets. It can help to be and feel more alert. Actually I did just now but I ended up sleepy. Sheesh!

I just want to put all these into actions. No point talking, or setting resolutions or goals, though it is important. I guess I just did. My list above is evidence of it.

Everything begins with me. Only I can change myself. There have been some external factors like having my guy in my life. But still it’s for me and no one else. I want to look good and feel good, so that if he and anyone else try to spoil my year and beyond, I won’t feel so affected.

That’s the thing, sometimes, you can’t go through all by yourself. When you have someone in your life, you’re motivated to change. If it’s not him in the end, then I’m already there for someone else. Physically, characteristically or even financially, at least I’m prepared.

I miss him. I’m a little mad at him. Of course, he matters to me. It’s always the case, that the ones you love the most are also capable to hurt you the most because you have expectations from them. You have feelings for them. When a normal friend doesn’t do something to you, you feel fine because there’s nothing between you and that friend. But towards someone you love, you do feel even the slightest upset when he commits the same ‘crime’.

Oh. He messaged me asking me out. Feeling all tingly inside…